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By 
2:31 PM
stories of how people meet their prince
charming on platforms like hi5, facebook and
yahoo messenger.
I joined twitter hoping to get that lucky but my
case took a strange turn.
Read on……
I got a mention one evening ”nice avi, follow
back hun”. I zoomed his avatar. He wore a
purple t’shirt, a jean trouser with a YMCMB cap
and though the photo was a bit blurred, he
looked as good as one of naija top music
artistes.
I followed back immediately expecting a DM in
few seconds and he didnt disappoint me. He
introduced himself as John, a self employed
graduate and when he asked for my blackberry
pin, I didnt hesitate to give him.
On BBM, his display picture was his twitter
avatar and when I asked to see more, he told
me he misplaced his phone recently and he’s
not much of a picture person. As soon as he
asked for my photos, I sent him about 26 (filters
and no filters). I know that’s too much but i was
only trying to impress my new rich and
handsome friend.
Within a week, we exchanged phone numbers
and it took our first three phone calls for me to
realise I had a british, a pakistan and an
american accent. His profile fitted that of my
dream lover and I fell and rolled in love
instantly.
The sad news is, he never asked me for a date
even though we reside in the same state. John
never changed his dp, all he did was sound
romantic on phone like the perfect lover boy
making me fantasise about him all day.
On valentine’s day, I sent john three thousand
naira worth of airtime while my rich boyfriend
returned the favour by spoiling me silly with
BBM smileys and voice notes. So much for
someone who boasted he made he first million
at 21. By the way, he is 28 while I am 23. A
month passed and we still didnt hook up. My
pride would’nt let me ask him out either. Just
when I was about giving up….
I went clubbing with my girlfriends one friday
night and as soon as I stepped into the club, I
saw John. I almost did not recognize him but
Johnny wore his full avatar/dp attire there.
Maybe that was his life uniform. The club had
very dim lights but I didnt fail to notice the
shape of his head in his YMCMB cap was
‘extraordinary’.
He stood at a disappointing height of 5ft 6
inches, for someone that swore he was at least
6feet tall. My ‘tall,rich and handsome’ boyfriend
I spent the last seven weeks day dreaming
about was right in front of me so I couldnt let a
difference of 6inches stop me running into the
arms of my true love.
He said I looked beautiful even in the dark. I
wish I could say the same for him especially
with his boring twitter/bbm uniform on. I left my
girlfriends and spent the next 2hours dancing
with John. When the DJ played Tuface’s ‘ihe
neme’, I danced like someone experencing a
convulsion all in a bid to impress John.
When we were done dancing, he told me he
lost his wallet in the club and I should lend him
money to pay for his drinks that he was gonna
triple the amount for me next week. I ended up
giving him my hard earned 5k. I insisted on us
going on a date the next day and he replied
”Where would you love to go?”
”The movies, there’s this new movie I’m dying
to see, silver linings playbook” I replied quickly
” would the bills be on you?”
Did i hear him clearly?
When he noticed the look of disappointment on
my face, he giggled and insisted he was joking.
I forced a smile knowing I had to be nice to my
incoming rich,handsome but not so tall
boyfriend afterall my rewards will come pouring
soon.
The next day while we chatted on BBM, he told
me there is a change of plans and i should
meet him in a certain restaurant by 3pm. I got
there by 3:15pm dressed in my ‘christmas
clothes’. I stood by the door scanning the
restaurant and there was no sign of John. Then
someone held my waist from behind, who
knows that must have been a clue that all he
wants is my waist(…and my money too). I
turned and the good old Johnny was dressed
like a palmwine tapper and most importantly
without his signature cap. To say I was
embarrassed is an understatement. Now in
broad daylight, his head was two and a half
times the size of bankyW’s own but shaped like
megamind’s own.
This can’t be the John I fell in love with, no
thanks to photoshop, the scales fell from my
eyes immediately and I frowned like I just ate
dog shit.
First thing he said was ”Babe, I know we were
supposed to meet at the movies today but that
won’t be neccessary as I’ve downloaded the
silver linings movie on my phone for you, you
know I just hate going to cinemas in Nigeria, so
crowdy and messed up, so lets chill here
alright”.
I was shocked at such lies. Broke ass nigga! All I
said was ”k”. I couldnt wait for the stupid date
to be over so I could block him on twitter and
BBM, to hell with twitter crush. I’ll rather die
single.
As soon as I sat down, my ‘rich’ supersized
headed twitter boo came from the counter with
fayrouz drink and one doughnut for me (My self
esteem at this point was -1) and a bottled coke
with fish pie for himself making the bills N470
which was N330 cheaper than my cab fare I
spent in coming there.
Before I could bring myself to ask him why he
would place an order without informing me, He
told me if I can’t finish my 30cl fayrouz, he
would’nt mine sharing it with me. Tear drops
were pratically dripping from my heart at this
point. Please don’t get me wrong, I am no
goldigger but during our seven weeks old
‘friendlationship’, John gave me this ‘you no say
money no be problem’ impression.
I sat staring at my fayrouz like it was the cause
of all the problems I’ve had in life.
”I cant wait to make LOVE to you”.
That was John’s voice loud and clear.
When I heard that, my whole body was soaked
with tears, my heart, lungs, kidney and all my
organs were crying. I cried and cried inside, who
did I offend sweet Jesus to suffer this way.
”you’ve not touched your lunch” his voice
brought me back to reality. (lunch ke,abi snacks
meant for a cat?).
I didnt reply. I sat still like those idols in the
book of exodus and just when I thought I had
enough, Headmaster told me to lend him 40K
to close up a business deal. Those words
charged me up. I looked at him with stone cold
eyes. His face was was as annoying as the BBM
dancing smiley.
The ‘warri’ in me was fully awake ”say wetin
happen? You wan use me hammer abi? You wan
use my money buy new clothes shebi? Cos your
head resemble wall clock you think say you fit
whine me,abeg, abeg, abeg, because i follow
you back for twitter you come here dey insult
me with fayrouz, just kuku siddon for your chair
chop your doughnut and dont ever call me or
try to contact me. I hereby block and discharge
you”.
He was really shocked as his eyes shone like
segun arinze’s while I walked out in slow
motion.
Back at home an hour later, my new twitter bio
reads :
”NO DM’s, NO P SETTING, No Boys Allowed’.
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